By: Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC.
It wasn’t long after Jared Loughner shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords that the FBI and police were looking for anyone who knew or was friends with Jared. It became clear very quickly that he had few friends and was a loner most of his life.
Being a loner is on almost every profile of mental illness and is also highly correlated to happiness. Happier people tend to have more friends. It makes sense that if you are happy and enjoy life you are going to attract more people to you. Having friends and being liked by people is the single most important thing (outside of having a mom and dad) to a small child. This need for friends grows as the child grows and becomes an adolescent. In my own life, I cannot imagine going through grade school, high school or college without my friends.
Perhaps one of the most difficult things I see is children who don’t have friends. Many times these kids lack the skills to maintain a friendship. Parents do not help their children when they reach out to other children and instead try to become their child’s friend. Parents need to remain parents and encourage friendships among children.
Friends help a child learn different ways to relate to others. Through interacting with friends, your child learns more about who they are. Friends help children learn boundaries, make decisions and develop a healthy sense of self. Kids who don’t have friends don’t feel good about themselves. Research supports that children who have friends have fewer social problems, a healthier self-esteem, and a greater sense of wellbeing. Kids without friends are more likely to feel abandoned and victimized by peers. They may have trouble adjusting to school and, as they get older, their behavior may become more deviant.
Parents often ask what is normal. At what age does my child need friends? There is no clear answer for that, but we do know that 70 to 75 percent of preschoolers have friends outside of their family. By the time the child is an adolescent that percentage should go up to 80 or 90 percent. Adolescents usually have one or two close friends. Many times these friends are so close they follow the adolescent into adulthood and well beyond marriage.
Friends validate and help your child feel secure while going through awkward stages. Research shows that children entering first grade have better school attitudes if they already have friends, and teens that have friends experience fewer psychological problems.
Parents should understand and value their children’s friends. While the child is young, parents should help their child maintain friendships with play dates and get-togethers. When your child is an adolescent, rather than talk negatively about your child’s friend, it may be wiser to invite the friend over with their family to join yours. Knowing your adolescent’s friends is an important aspect of parenting.
What if you have a child who doesn’t make friends easily? Maybe your family has moved a lot, or maybe your child has a learning disorder that makes them feel less secure in reaching out and making friends.
Ways to encourage your daughter to make friends:
• Talk to your daughter about what kind of friend she would like. Ask her who she likes the most in her class. Listen to her. She’s telling you what she values in people. It will help your daughter if you repeat these attributes back to her, so she can hear what qualities she values.
• Suggest to your daughter that you host a small party or movie night. Invite only one or two potential friends over. Don’t hover, but be available to your daughter if she needs you. This will help your daughter feel confident, but not smothered. Make sure you offer good food (especially when teens are around).
• If you find your daughter withdrawing while her guests or friends are at your home, take your daughter to the side and hug her. Reassure her that having friends may be difficult, but it is important. Also, point out the positives you have witnessed with your daughter and her guests. Parenting a girl who warms up slowly to peers requires patience and optimism.
• Make your home a safe place for your daughter to invite friends. This is an opportunity to help your daughter feel secure and also teach her how to get along. Don’t allow disrespectful words or behaviors, but do give your daughter and her friends room to work out their differences. Your daughter’s friends will become some of the best teachers.
• After the friends leave, spend some time with your daughter talking about the experience. Ask your daughter what she liked best about inviting friends over, and ask her what she didn’t like. This will help your daughter learn more about herself, and it also teaches her what behaviors work and which don’t. It also gives you as a parent a good look into what your daughter is struggling with in her social interactions and what she is more confident with.
Friends are not a luxury; they are a necessity for being healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually. No one should have to go through life without a couple good friends. If your daughter says, “I don’t have any friends.” Your response as a parent should always be, “Let’s work on that, you have way too much love, interests, and humor not to share them.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC, is a licensed psychotherapist and co-author with Janine J. Sherman, of Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. Read more about the book at www.StartTalkingBook.com and more about Rapini at www.maryjorapini.com.
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