To Censor or Not to Censor: Should you monitor your daughter’s music choices?

January 20, 2010 by Elizabeth Donovan, M. A.
Filed under Hot Pink Topic, Teen Stuff

By: Elizabeth Donovan, M.A.

Music has long been a large part of adolescent culture and is quickly edging out TV as a teen’s choice for entertainment. In fact, a 2001 study found that tweens and adolescents listen to music between 3 to 4 ours a day. And living in the digital age has magnified music choices and accessibility by providing teens with a instant access getting their music fix. The latest generation of girls is able to easily download their favorite artists while lounging at the computer. Your daughter can collect all of their favorite tunes in minutes, transfer them to their iPods, and share them with friends instantaneously. Sounds like something we all would have wanted in our teens, doesn’t it?

Yet, in today’s fast-paced high-tech environment, girls of all ages can easily download songs that contain explicit lyrics and questionable content. Most parents are no strangers to the origin of the now infamous “Parental Advisory” label which caused outrage and controversy when it first graced the covers in 1985 of albums like Two Live Crew and Guns ‘n Roses. It was then that parents stood on opposite ends of the fence in terms of how much censorship should come into play when it comes to warning parents and children about the content of artists lyrics.

Fast forward to 2010, and explicit lyrics have become commonplace among many Hip Hop artists, R&B, Metal, and even Pop artists like my daughter’s favorite, PINK, have the occasionally “naughty” word tossed in. And while sexually suggestive lyrics are also found in many pop artists today like popular girl favorites Rhianna, Madonna, and Lil’ Wayne – research warns that listening to extremely explicit content can be psychologically damaging to our daughters. In a 2006 study, The Journal of Pediatrics found that girls who listened to degrading sexual content were more likely to subsequently initiate intercourse and to progress to more advanced levels of sexual activity.

The bottom line for many parents remains, “How much should I monitor my child’s music? ” or “Should I monitor it at all?” Often, the answer to that question depends on her age and parents own personal upbringing and feelings about listening to explicit content. In addition, moms and dads also have to consider the reality of a savvy digital world where access to any kind of music is possible within seconds. While there is no simple answer, many parents have discovered creative solutions to the parental “censorship” dilemma that both they and their daughter’s agree on.

Tips for Parents Who Chose to Monitor Music

If you’re a parent who believes in monitoring your daughter’s music, how do you go about doing it? By nature, tweens and teens can be oppositional and are willing to fight for their independence, making many parents weary about how to approach the topic with their children. Thankfully, there are ways parents can monitor and protect their children from offensive language or lyrics that may cause less friction and full-blown arguments with your daughter.

• Get out your “censor” gear. Many parents have found that there are convenient ways to monitor their child’s music by using build-in controls on home computers and other music-related gear.

“To get music onto her iPod she has to plug it into our computer. If she wants music that isn’t already in our iTunes library, she has to buy it herself, AFTER we’ve approved it.” – LeAura, mom to 12-year-old daughter.

“[My daughter] turned 15 this week, and has had her own iTunes account for nearly three years. She gets an iTunes allowance and I use the parental controls within the program in addition to casually asking what she is buying each time. ” – Erica Mullenix

“We got her an internet radio that streams Pandora. Now she listens to music from around the world. The best part is that Pandora has a profanity filter. It won’t censor ‘I wanna take you to a hotel,’ but it will cut out the obvious hard-core trash. We tell her to thumbs down anything ‘inappropriate’ and that we’re listening to her mix. It seems to work..for now.” – Karen, mom to 10-year-0ld daughter.

“She owns an iPod but I own the music. Her iPod songs are stored on my computer and I load the music onto it. I determine which songs are appropriate for her age and which are not. But, it’s fairly easy to censor my daughter’s music when her favorite singer is Taylor Swift.” – Steve Cosio, father to a 9-year-old daughter.

• The Art of Compromise. Many parents have learned to compromise with their daughter when it comes to her music selections. Compromises work best when parents and their daughters agree to the terms of her music choices and downloads ahead of time.

LaEisha Barton, mom to a 9-year-old daughter, understands that it’s hard for parents to protect their children from hearing everything, but she does her best to make sure they both agree on “listening” rules ahead of time. “When loading the music we search for the edited versions,” says Barton. In addition, Barton is an active participant in what type of music her daughter listens to and when she is allowed to listen to it. “I encourage her to bring her Zune in the car during the rides to soccer or basketball practice. This way I know what she’s listening to,” she admits. “She likes to listen to music before going to bed. The rules are no radio, as late night radio can be very surprising. Only cd’s and it’s all “parental approved” music.” This type of compromised monitoring allows this very busy mom to participate with her daughter in music selections and also serves to help strengthen their relationship since they both work together to find a solution.

Likewise, Lisa Hill, whose daughter is now 18, found that even during her daughter’s troublesome teen times, the choice to “participate” with in daughter’s music made a big difference. “I told her there were certain music genres I didn’t want her to listen to (death metal, skin metal, suicide metal, etc). And I explained why, even when she was being obstinate. She liked the heavier rock n’ roll, so she would share her music with me.” But Hill admits that monitoring everything was often difficult. “Yes, there were times when I saw “Explicit” on her iTunes list. I’d ask to listen, or check in on the different bands. If there really were songs that made me nervous, I would ask them to be taken off, or offer to pay for different songs in exchange,” she says. “By not coming down hard, but being involved in her music she learned to understand my concerns and we developed an understanding.” Hill believes that by compromising in terms of offering to pay for different songs as a way to ‘trade them in for the explicit ones’ and listening to her daughter, helped their relationship.

• Teach Self-Reliance. Many parents like to begin by monitoring their children’s music, but in doing so, their goal is to eventually teach their tweens and teens to rely on their own ‘instincts’ and self-reliance. Dawn Tulman, who has a 12 year-old-daughter, acknowledges that she began by actively censoring her daughter’s music, but eventually found that her daughter learned to make good choices on her own with the assistance of a little technology. “We are able to censor this by using Pandora,” says Tulman. “She can choose a station like Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers and it will only play that kind of music. It’s something [that's helped] my kids learn to censor themselves.” Pandora and other systems like it are good choices for parents who want to monitor their daughter’s music but also provide her with the freedom to make some of her own choices.

The Choice Not to Monitor:

A growing number of parents make the choice not to censor or monitor their daughter’s music selections. In large part, the decision is twofold: Some believe in teaching their children the values that come with “freedom of speech” and others feel in this day and age, it’s simply too difficult and time-consuming to monitor everything their child is listening to. Regardless of the initial reason not to monitor all of their daughter’s music, parents find comfort and strength in trying to teach their daughter’s a different way of thinking and responding to lyrics and content they themselves find questionable at times.

• Instill Responsibility and Rely on your Relationship. The decision not to censor their child’s music does not always mean parents remain uninvolved and aloof when it comes to hands-on parenting. Deborah Wexler, mom to a 16-year-old daughter, agrees that with the notion that there are too many sources she cannot control, instead she relies on the strength of the relationship she’s built with her teenager. “She has built a sense of trust with me by demonstrating responsibility in her day to day decisions,” says Wexler. But she does believe that it’s important to talk with your daughter about what she listens to when the opportunity arises. “Rather than censor her music and try to pretend these issues don’t exist, I try to start a discussion when I hear something that is an issue for me,” acknowledges Wexler. “I tell her it’s an issue and tell her why. I carefully listen to her reason that she is okay with it. So far, she makes a lot of sense.”

• Music Teaches Independence. Others, like Erica Orloff an author and mother of a 12-year-old daughter, recognize that music plays a role in her growing independence. “Music is supposed to irritate the establishment (and parents) and has since the Big Band era through the Beatles through grunge to today,” says Orloff. Although she is opposed to censorship of any kind when it comes to her children’s music, Orloff agrees that there are ‘teachable moments’ parents should recognize and cease whenever possible and she does make her opinion known when she hears her daughter listening to something inappropriate. “If it has lyrics that blatantly demean women, I point out that yes, it’s a catchy tune, but are you really LISTENING,” acknowledges Orloff. “And I often find [that] those songs are ones she stops listening to. Not because I forbid it, but because we have discussed what words mean and how words can lift up people or put them down.” Parents like Orloff believe that while giving your child her independence when it comes to music choices is important, parents should still interact with their daughters over their musical tastes and preferences. When treated like an adult, some tweens and teens are capable of making smart choices on their own.

• A Lesson in Freedom of Speech. Crystal Tatum, mom to a 16-year-old daughter, feel it’s important to send the ‘right message’ to your children when it comes to freedom of speech and understand the reality of teens finding a way to listen to their music. “If you start censoring their music, they are going to be more curious and sneak to listen or hear it from their friends,” says Tatum. “I don’t monitor her music but I do let her know that I disapprove of certain artists and lyrics and make her turn it off when I am in the car or room.

The decision to monitor your daughter’s music is one that ultimately every parent must make. Whether you believe in censoring your daughter’s music or allowing her to express her own unique taste, it’s always important to keep the lines of communication open. Always find time to talk with your daughter about her music choices and listen to her answers. Parents are often surprised by what they learn about their daughter’s through having a conversation about their music choices. If you don’t agree with her taste in music, you should say so. Most tween and teen girls do actually listen to what their parents have to say. They may not always show it, but most of the time they are listening to you more than their music.