What to Do When Your Teenage Daughter Asks for Birth Control
January 5, 2010 by Elizabeth Donovan, M. A.
Filed under Health & Body, Hot Pink Topic
By: Elizabeth Donovan, M.A.
Take a deep breath, exhale, inhale – and try not to overreact. I know, easier said than done.
Many moms and dads are caught off-guard when they find out their daughter needs birth control and react quickly, sharply, and impulsively. Whether you find out from your daughter directly or through some other means, the decision to help her obtain birth control and talk about the other issues that go hand-in-hand with having sex such as sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s), AIDS, and pregnancy, are usually not topics that any parent (or daughter) look forward to discussing together. Many parents, understandably, are upset and angry that their daughter has already made the decision to have sex, but once she has made up her mind, it’s up to us to find ways to talk to her and assist in her decision-making process.
What should you do if you find out your teenage daughter needs birth control? A parents first response is primarily based on your own upbringing, culture, and religion. It’s important for parents to express your concern and feelings about your daughter’s choice to have sex, but how parents handle the situation and what they chose to say can set the tone for having a healthy relationship with your daughter or destroying the trust that you have worked so hard to build.
Safety First
It’s important to ask your daughter if she has ever been forced to have sex or raped. She may initially give you an eye-roll, but the truth is that every 2 minutes in the U.S. someone, somewhere is raped. Make sure your daughter is emotionally ready to have sex and a teenage girl whose been raped needs to get the proper medical treatment and counseling before she gets into another relationship.
Express your feelings and be honest.
You don’t have to agree with her decision to support your daughter. Yelling and screaming at her to “stop having sex” usually proves to be ineffective and only serve to diminish your relationship with each other. Instead, talk to her respectfully and let her know that you love her and that you want her to have a healthy, happy relationships. Express your concern and disapproval calmly, in a way that she is able to hear and understand.
Let your daughter know that having sex can complicate dating and that there are additional stressors and emotional issues that coincide with the decision to have sex. Getting to know a person first and waiting until marriage are still statements that are important for your daughter to hear. Just because she’s made the decision to have sex now, doesn’t mean that she will always want to have sex with her partner. She has the ability to say no and make healthy choices for herself anytime she chooses to.
Allow your daughter to express her own feelings.
Listen to what your daughter has to say about sex and birth control. Listening may not be easy, but it is equally important to hear her reasoning and feelings about sex and relationships. Teens often complain that their parents “never listen” to them and now is a good opportunity to show you that you love her and take her issues seriously. Remember, you don’t have to agree with her reason for having sex or wanting birth control, but you do need to listen to acknowledge her feelings.
Get her the medical help she needs.
It’s a good idea to support your daughter’s request for birth control by taking her to see her GYN and having a discussion with her doctor. An examination can also serve to test for STD’s and pregnancy. Even if your daughter decides she does not want to use a birth control pill, allowing her time to speak with her doctor confidentially allows her to ask personal questions about sex and birth control that she may not be able to ask you directly.
Remember, whatever decision your daughter makes about birth control and sex, this is a conversation that should continue between parent and daughter. By letting your daughter know that you may not always agree with her decisions, but will always there for her, will make her more likely to confide in you over the years.
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I agree with you this is some really good advice. I had some friends go through this and their response was don’t do it, your not allowed to etc. and they refused to acknowlege that thier daughter was having sex she is now 17 and pregnant. I believe the most important responsibility we have as parents is to protect our kids to the best of our abilities and educating them and being available for them is most important, we may not always like the choices that they will make but its important to give them the proper tools to at least make educated and responsible decisions.
I agree- this is good advice. It is important to help yout child be safe and it will do no good if you try to pretend she’s not sexually active if in fact she is. I’ve found that books are a useful way of educating my daughter about the consquences of sex and the effects of teen pregnancy. One great fiction book we read together was Barbara Delinsky’s Not My Daughter. I feel that books like this go beyond the barebone facts and depict how life can change if she isn’t careful and doesn’t protect herself.
I completely agree with this article and its great advice. I’ve already had the talk with my daughter and in addition to explaining she should wait, and giving her info on STD;s, I have told her that if she even thinks about having sex to talk to me and I will take her to get on th birth control pill no questions asked. Now that we’ve had this talk and she’s comfortable, she is asking me to help one of her friends, because she is unable to talk to her parents. I don’t know what to do? I want to help? but I do not want to over step my boundaries with her parents.
Hi Elizabeth,
I applaud you for keeping an “open mind” and supporting your daughter by talking with her about birth control and STD’s as well as making it clear she can come to you anytime.
As far as helping her girlfriend, that is a bit more tricky. You are right to be concerned about ‘overstepping’ your boundaries with her parents. Yet, it’s tough if she is scared to go to them for help. Her safety should come first, so if your daughter’s friend is sexually active, there are “free clinics” she can go to to obtain birth control (depending on the state in which you reside) without parental consent. However, I am reluctant to recommend that you personally get involved or take her to a clinic or doctor because I do believe it would damage the relationship she has with her own parents and put you in a very difficult position. If you really want to help her (and I sense you do) then you and your daughter should start by encouraging her to speak to one of her parents (often, girls feel more comfortable going to one parent over the other). If she refuses, then I think the most you can do is give her information about where she can go on her own to obtain information or birth control (such as the free clinic I mentioned or her own doctor’s office). If you step in and physically take her to a clinic or doctors office, you are taking on the role of her parent and making yourself responsible for her well-being which is not your job – but rather, her parents. It’s important to continue to encourage her to go to her parents when at all possible or provide her with places (like Planned Parenthood, etc.) that she can go speak to a counselor or doctor who can help her stay safe and communicate with her parents. Hope this helps!