5 Parenting Pink Resolutions to Make in 2010

By Joanne Stern, PhD.

At the start of every year millions of people make resolutions that never take root and blossom. Consistent action on those resolutions and visualizing our success is needed for resolutions to work. Here are five parenting resolutions along with an action plan to make them a reality-not only in 2010 but for years to come.

I will treat my daughter with respect-just as I would any person whom I admire and care about.

Respecting your daughter is one of the most effective behaviors to ensure a trusting and positive relationship with her-one that will give you the opportunity to talk with her about the important stuff in her life.

That means you should:

o Put down what you’re doing and look at her when she’s talking to you
o Talk with her-not at her
o Listen to her feelings-not just the words she says
o Not ridicule or criticize her
o Treat her problems as though they are serious because, to her, they are
o Spend time with her alone regularly-even if only for a short time
o Affirm her by telling her how important and valuable she is to you

When my daughter Andrea was in second grade, she came home from school distraught because everyone wanted to sit by her at lunch. She was completely upset because she didn’t know how to handle her problem. Instead of laughing,
teasing her or dismissing her situation as unimportant, I listened carefully to her predicament and her feelings. Together we discussed possible solutions as earnestly as if we were divising a plan for world peace. She remembered and told me later how much it built trust between us because I had treated her with respect.

I will practice mutual sharing with my daughter-so that she will feel comfortable sharing with me.

The purpose of sharing is to help her get to know you as a person with the same kinds of needs, feelings and problems that she might have. Here’s the deal: if you don’t talk to her, she won’t talk to you. It’s just that simple. While she should be able to tell you anything, that doesn’t mean you should tell her everything. There are parameters.

I wanted to be an open book with my two daughters, but I gave myself some rules to keep my parent/child boundaries crisp and clear:

o Don’t share inappropriate intimate details of your personal life
o Don’t make her your confidante
o Don’t make her feel responsible for your struggles and problems

It’s a balancing act to know what to share and what to keep to yourself. A guideline for determining where to set your boundary is to think carefully about what would be useful or valuable to your girl and also consider what could be detrimental to her, frighten her or simply creep her out.

I will keep my cool-even when my daughter makes an outrageous mistake.

The principle I relied on with my daughters was: when a problem arises, don’t panic. Don’t react. First and foremost, secure the relationship. Make sure you don’t damage your connection with your daughter. There’s plenty of time to solve the problem after she knows you understand, your care, and you’re on her side.

If anger is your natural first reaction, then:

o Learn to develop a listening attitude
o Bite your tongue
o Put your hand over your mouth
o Count to ten
o Do whatever is necessary to prevent yourself from impulsively jumping to judgment or criticism

Recently a client told me that her teenage son had called in a bomb threat to the school, an activity that caused dire responses from the school and the legal system. Mom wisely chose to stay calm and stay connected because she
knew her son would need her to help him learn to make better decisions in the future.

I will talk openly with my daughter about sex, drugs and alcohol. Not a conversation.

These issues will come up in your family. There’s no escaping it and no avoiding it. If you start talking very early about these topics, they will be normal and your daughter will feel comfortable talking with you when they come up in her life.

Your daughter might ask an unexpected question: “Daddy, what’s a boner?” or “Mommy, have you ever tried drugs?” Something she heard in school or on TV or in a song. Something she’s just curious about. Please don’t allow yourself to be knocked off kilter or respond by:

o Avoiding or changing the subject
o Saying, “You’re too young.”
o Telling her, “We’ll talk about it later.”

Why not? Because all too often, later never comes and your daughter learns an important lesson: I can’t talk to Daddy about sex; I can’t talk to Mommy about drugs. The gap between you and your daughter will grow deeper and wider, and she won’t want to talk with you at all.

When my daughters were young, I adopted the philosophy that no topic was forbidden. We just talked about each one in age appropriate levels and depths. In the end, it’s your ability to talk with your daughter-not your attempt to control her-that gives you your best chance of preventing her from getting involved.

I will have conversations with my daughter about the dangers in the world of technology.

She is growing up in a digital age that presents not only unprecedented opportunities, but also shocking dangers. You wouldn’t dream of allowing your daughter to drive down an icy, winding mountain road without instruction. Yet it’s easy to give her every technological device imaginable and never think to talk with her about how to use those devices appropriately and safely.

Here are some of the problems. “Sexting” (sending nude or semi-nude photos in a text message) is on the rise. Surveys show that between 20% and 30% of pre-teens and teens are either sending or receiving “sexts.” It seems to be the new way to flirt. Digital abuse takes the form of sharing information you don’t want shared, writing mean things and teasing, spreading false rumors, impersonating and spying, threatening physical harm and encouraging people to hurt themselves-all online. Studies indicate that your daughter is more likely to experience online problems from her peers and her own naïve indiscretions than from adult predators.

Your daughter needs to learn how to empower and protect herself, and you have the opportunity to help her by teaching her some realities:

o Sexually inappropriate photos of her will live in cyberspace forever and may affect her college admission and her ability to get a job
o “Sexting” is illegal and can result in felony porn charges-not only for the sender, but also for the receiver, and in some cases for the parents
o Girls can become humiliated and depressed to the point of suicide by enduring the effects of digital abuse
o Sharing passwords is a good way to have her identity stolen
o Digital abuse and cyberbullying in any form should be reported immediately

This is one issue that wasn’t even on the radar screen when my daughters were teens, but today, it’s front and center. Give your daughter the chance to survive and thrive in her world by talking with her about the issues she faces every day.

You can fulfill your resolutions this year by reading them to yourself every day and visualizing the positive results of each one. Hold yourself accountable to implementing them by asking yourself each day how you’re doing and pinpoint opportunities to make progress. Both you and your daughter will benefit from your diligence and determination.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Author of “Parenting Is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids For Life.” To learn more about Dr. Joanne Stern’s work, please go to www.ParentingIsAContactSport.com. You may purchase a copy of her book at Amazon.com.

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