Teaching Your Girls to Give Back

By: Dr Joanne Stern.

“Mine!” That shriek for possession we often hear from our toddler girls represents a normal phase of development most kids go through. The question is: how do we help them shift their need to have it into a desire to give it? Teaching our daughters to share, support others, and be compassionate and caring are all pre-requisites to developing a giving nature. These were traits I wanted to teach my daughters when they were growing up. Research shows that children who are conscious of others’ needs grow into happier, more psychologically balanced, responsible adults. It’s been wonderfully fulfilling to watch my two girls, who are now in their early thirties, become young women who will leave the world a better place than when they entered it.

Here are some suggestions on teaching your daughters to give of themselves.

1. Teach your daughters to share. When my daughters were just toddlers, they would put a Cheerio in their mouths and then suddenly, in a burst of love and joy, take it out and try to stuff it into my mouth. This is such sweet sharing. But, soon enough they learned to hold on protectively to what they had, be it food or toys.

When kids are in the toddler and pre-school age range, it’s the perfect time for them to begin learning to share by making a game of it. Say to your daughter and her friends: “When you ring the bell, let’s all give our toys to someone else” or, “Clap your hands and we’ll trade toys.” Reinforce sharing by giving stickers, rewards and praise. And after they’ve received a certain number of stickers in a week, you can even give them a small prize.

Teaching your children about how the world works and how they can be successful in it is a parent’s responsibility, so be sure to talk about sharing as a family-even when your daughters are young. Let them know how highly you respect sharing and giving, and tell your girls how mommy and daddy share the things they have with other adults. Create a slogan: “We’re the Stern family and we share.” It gives your daughters pride in being part of a family that acts together on issues, and it gives them a sense of belonging to uphold an important family principle.

2. Model the spirit of giving to your daughters. It’s important for children to see that it’s not the monetary amount of the gift, but the attitude and the spirit of giving that truly matters. Your daughters will notice and absorb the demeanor of how you give a gift as well as the gifts you choose.

Rather than always giving material, tangible gifts such as clothes, toys and money, it’s important to also model for your daughters the joy of giving your time and expertise. You don’t have to talk about it-make it a part of your life, and your daughters will be influenced by your behaviors. They can see that you take a half hour to carefully compose a sympathy note rather than whipping out a Hallmark card and hurriedly signing. They will observe your beautiful gesture of making the time and effort to talk with someone who has a problem, helping a friend with a household task or picking up another mom’s kids at school when she’s overwhelmed at work. Even a smile, a touch on the shoulder or a kind word to someone in need will make a powerful impact on your daughters.

When my girls were growing up I sometimes did pro bono work for clients who couldn’t afford my regular psychotherapy fees, and I casually let my girls know about it. I wanted them to see that I walked my talk. Because they respected me, I believed they would integrate these values of giving into their own code of ethics, and I have seen that happen over the years. Both of my daughters have offered their homes to friends in need of a place to stay-sometimes for several months. Between the two of them they have gone out of their way to help young mothers get set up to care for their new babies; they’ve given money to non-profit organizations they believe in; and they’ve mentored a young person about his desired career. You will be amazed and delighted to witness such behaviors in your own girls as they grow into their giving potential.

3. Create family projects of giving. Together, as a family, talk about organizations, programs and people in need. When my daughters were young, we talked about what we wanted to do together as a family to help others. Small children can have wonderful, imaginative ideas and thoughts that spark their sense of generosity. Maybe these ideas are too grandiose or maybe they’re inappropriate, but they’ll appreciate being included in the discussion, and they’ll feel respected if you listen attentively and take their contributions seriously.

You might want to buy holiday baskets for low-income families, wrap toys for kids who otherwise wouldn’t get any or invite people without families to share special days with your family. We invited people to stay in our home-sometimes for a few days and other times for much longer. When families do these giving acts together, everybody benefits.

It feels great to talk together as a family afterwards about what you’ve done, how it helped someone else and how it made you feel inside. In this way, you help your daughters internalize the value of giving.

4. Affirm the characteristics of contentment and generosity over consumerism. Many religious and spiritual philosophies encourage us to be content and generous with what we have. There is ancient wisdom regarding these virtues. Yet, it’s often contrary to the world we live in, which has been overtaken by consumerism.

Media and advertising bombard us regularly, so we-and our children-are constantly being enticed by the bigger and the better. Instead of being thankful and content, families often get lured into buying more. Instead of being generous, we often just want to pile up more and more for ourselves.

Young girls frequently feel inadequate and inferior if they don’t have the designer labels and the latest in fashion to show off to their friends. When their peers are buying the next level up, it’s important to talk with your daughters about the deeper values of honesty, integrity and kindness. Advise girls early on not to be sidetracked into believing that they are more valuable if they own the newest brand. Give them examples of females who have left an enduring mark on the world. Anne Frank. Mother Teresa. Rosa Parks. Amelia Earhart. Impress upon your daughters that it was because of what these girls and women gave to the world, that they made a difference. Their value had little to do with the clothes in their closet.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Author of “Parenting Is a Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids For Life.” To learn more about Dr. Joanne Stern’s work, please go to www.ParentingIsAContactSport.com. You may purchase a copy of her book at Amazon.com.

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