How to Talk to Your Child About Death

By: Elizabeth Donovan, M.A.

The conversation is never an easy one to have with a small child, but death is part of the natural cycle of life and one that must be broached with our children at some point during their lives. When it comes to explaining the concept of dying to our children, we often struggle to find the right terminology and definition. In fact, many parents report that they have a more difficult time talking with their young children about death than they do about discussing sex with older siblings. This reality isn’t surprising considering that the subject of ‘death and dying’ is still taboo in our culture – the fear of dying persists as much for adults as it does for children which may be why parents are often reluctant to tackle the subject.

Yet, avoiding the topic of death with your daughter may make things worse in the long run. Waiting until someone close to her dies (even a pet) can be traumatizing for young children. It becomes our job as parents to help our children talk about death so that they do not have to face their fears alone. By joining with them, parent and child can search for meaning and answers together.

How to Talk to Your Daughter About Death:

• Seize the opportunity don’t wait for it. Bringing up the topic of death is not hard to do considering it’s around us on a daily basis. Do so in a non-threatening way to help ease your daughter into the idea that “things die.” There are numerous opportunities all around you. Parents can use nature to bring up topic of ‘dying’ with their toddler: talk about the autumn leaves falling or your house plant dying. Movies such as Bambi (his mother dies) may provide a springboard. Finding a dead animal in the road or having to put a family pet put ‘to sleep’ also provide opportunities to talk openly about the subject of dying.

• Use books to help make learning a natural process. We all know that reading to your children is one of the most important gifts you can give them. When you sit down to read with your daughter include a book that helps her discuss death in a non-threatening and safe way. There are a plethora of age-appropriate books written for children on death and dying like, Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant and The Mountains of Tibet by Mordicai Gerstein, that are great ways to being the discussion.

• Avoid speaking too directly about death. When talking with your toddler about death, initially try to avoid speaking about how mom and dad or eventually your child, will die. Many preschool aged children are sensitive to “separation anxiety” and the thought of mom and dad being permanently taken away may rid your daughter of her sense of safety and security. However, if your daughter has had someone close to her die, then it is appropriate to broach the subject with her.

• Answer tough questions honestly. It’s natural for your daughter to eventually ask you if either she will die or you will die. A good answer is to let your child know that moms and dads live long lives and are usually around for many years to come. Say it with reassurance and concern in your voice. It can be helpful to use examples for your daughter. You might say, “Grandma and grandpa have been around a long time and I hope to be around to see my grandchildren too!”

• Be calm, honest, and avoid euphemisms If your daughter hasn’t experienced a personal tragedy, talking with her about death should be approached as directly as you can manage. Try to avoid using common euphemisms about death that may lead your daughter to draw frightening or unrealistic conclusions. For example, if you tell your child her grandfather has “gone to sleep and will wake up in Heaven” be prepared for her to potentially develop a fear of “going to sleep” at night. Likewise, another common parental explanation “your grandmother has gone to a better place” may prompt the question from your daughter, “Well then, when is she coming back?” Try to be as direct as you feel comfortable to avoid misunderstandings and fear.

• Consider cultural aspects. Different ethnicity, religions, and cultures define death differently. Some see death as a celebration of life and embrace it. Others, view death as a time to morn. Parents should help explain death in a way that fits with their religious, cultural, and/or ethical belief system. Use the opportunity to teach your daughter about your beliefs and her culture and heritage.

• Understand and accept your toddlers cognitive limitations. It’s common for children ages 2-5 to associate death as a ‘temporary’ condition. They often believe that dying means going into a deep sleep or taking a trip far away. At this age, it is difficult and near impossible for children to comprehend the ‘permanence’ of death. If your daughter continues to ask when her loved one is coming back, be sure to correct her, but do so gently. Understand that she may not completely understand the permanence of death until she is older and for now, keep reassuring her and calming her fears.

Most importantly, when talking with your daughter about death and dying, try to instill an appreciation for life and along with the concept of death. It’s also helpful to help your daughter see death as a “cycle”: birth, death, and rebirth. Even though people die, babies are born, and the gift of life goes on.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Elizabeth Donovan, M.A. is the founder of ParentingPink.com and has worked as an adolescent mental health therapist/supervisor for nearly a decade. Areas of expertise include: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Conduct Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Anxiety, Depression, and Sexual Assault/Trauma. A few years ago she gave up her full-time job as a psychotherapist to be a stay-at-home mom to her three little girls. Ms. Donovan is a parenting expert and her articles have been published in: Parenting, BabyTalk, Guideposts Sweet Sixteen, and Listen, among others.

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