Who’s the Boss? Setting Appropriate Limits with Your Toddler

September 2, 2009 by Elizabeth Donovan, M. A.
Filed under Behavior

Little Business Woman on Phone

“Noooooooo! I won’t do it! You can’t make me!”

Sound familiar? This is a common situation for parents of toddlers. Regardless of how sweet your child can be, around the age of 2, there is a side of her that emerges that can be controlling, oppositional, and even downright belligerent. While this is a normal stage of development, most experts agree that it’s important to let your child know “who’s the boss.”

Setting appropriate limits and giving consequences for her actions is mandatory. Once your child understands that there are limits to her behavior, many of her emotional issues will subside or altogether disappear. How parents choose to react often governs how difficult situations will play out. So the task of parenting toddlers becomes how to “be the boss” without appearing overbearing or authoritarian.

Here’s how to take a stand:

• Be fair and consistent when you discipline. If your child screams in the grocery store because she wants a toy, don’t buy her the toy, instead take her home. It’s tempting to give-in just to get her to be quiet, but that will only serve to reinforce her negative behavior. If she knows that she can ‘get what she wants’ if she throws a tantrum, you’re in for it.

• Try not to lose your temper. This creates a power struggle and teaches your child that yelling and hitting are appropriate ways to ‘be in charge.’ Remember, children look to their parents for role models, so it’s important to keep your cool, so she will too.

• Set appropriate boundaries. Be clear about who’s in charge. Let your little girl know that it’s ok for her to be angry with you, but she has to respect your rules. When she’s calm, talk with her about what those rules are and why you have them. While she may not comprehend everything you say, she will see that you are willing to calmly discuss things with her.

• Talk about it. When your toddler is ready, have a brief talk with her about what happened and how she feels about it. This acknowledges that you care about how she feels but at the same time reinforces that fact that you are the adult ‘in charge.’ It also allows your toddler to explain how she feels – hurt, mad, angry, sad- which is healthy and emotionally healing.